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Dispatches from The Covid-19 War

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 3 of captivity/quarantine. The enlisted are growing restless. While their school is testing distance learning today and tomorrow keeping them temporarily occupied, I fear they will overrun our defenses. The snacks are plentiful and Netflix/Hulu content abounds but their very nature demands near constant stimulation. I shall attempt to distract them with dance and tomfoolery before all is lost. I will hold my position for as long as I can until reinforcements arrive. Yours Faithfully, Keith.

Day 3
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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 4 of captivity/quarantine. After our victory at the Battle of Costco, our toilet paper and bottled water supplies are replenished. The morale amongst the rank and file is holding steady. I do fear we may have to launch a new offensive as our Fruit by the Foot and Iced Tea rations are low. Last night we were comforted by your return and the watching of Jeopardy which seems to engage the entire regiment for short 30 minute increments. Today the enlisted will continue their distance learning and I will continue coordinating with my Salesforce allies. Alas, one day

Day 4
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this scourge shall pass and we can return to daily excursions beyond our fortifications. Yours Faithfully, Keith.

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 5 of captivity/quarantine. My supply officer reports that we have an abundance of kosher salt. I can only surmise that you procured this much salt to cure meat. We also received a shipment of food for the company hound from the Amazon quartermaster. I am informed by my intelligence officer that today is Friday and the enlisted usually spend the upcoming two days engaged in shenanigans and hooliganism with their compatriots from other regiments. Unfortunately, we have had to cancel all excursions beyond the defense perimeter. Perhaps I will

Day 5

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engage the troops in assisting with washing the regimental wagons today. They expect much from me so I must bid you farewell so I can draw up battle plans for next week. Yours Faithfully, Keith.

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 6 of captivity/quarantine. Regretfully, I have lots to report. We have received word from the enlisted’s education team and central command that this war will indeed be longer than anticipated. I am preparing plans for a full assault upon Costco and perhaps even the feared Wegman’s militia at week’s end. I must ensure our ability to win this war remains intact. An army marches on its stomach and is quite fond of Uncrustables. Yesterday’s weather front temporarily impacted our DirecTV supply line which was a source of great concern for the regiment. Luckily, our internet supply

Day 6
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line held steady despite constant assault from the YouTube sympathizers. I also have suspicions that one of our trusted Lieutenants is looking to desert our beloved regiment seeking to establish a front of her own. I overheard her and a co-conspirator committing to a one year assignment to their own fort which they will defend. I fear she will attempt to take some of our encampment furnishings with her. I long for the days when only you and I were in command and were not forced to promote the enlisted to officers after their designated years of service. I will engage the enlisted in some decluttering exercises

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around the base today and perhaps send an expeditionary force to explore this promising Disney+ I have heard about. Until tomorrow, be well. Yours Faithfully, Keith.

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 7 of captivity/quarantine. I’ve grown weary of kitchen duty. I pray there is some relief on the horizon. Some nights as I stare at the stars and think of you, I dream a food wagon stakes a position near our encampment. Fear not my love, there is still joy to be found. I joined the enlisted as they frolicked around camp and sang along to the spirituals of Adele and others. It was a splendid way to blow off steam and maintain morale. One of the enlisted shows great promise with her dancing and her energy knows no bounds. Perhaps there is a path for her beyond this nasty war of viral aggression.

Day 7
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I suspect she is one of the conscripts from the C&C Army and they are a lively people. Our Ring sentries have been overly diligent lately which has caused several moments of undue anxiety. I will need to retrain them as changes in wind direction do not constitute encampment intrusions. A matter of grave concern is the quantity of spoons in the camp. I had to request an additional shipment of spoons from the Amazon Quartermaster. I believe the enlisted are taking them to their tents and not returning them to the mess. I know spoons make fine musical instruments along with empty jugs and

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washboards, but we only have three spoons for the entire regiment. Damn this war! I have checked with my supply officer on the status of other items and we are good for another week before we will have to launch another supply offensive. I have already dispatched our spies to stake out forward positions. When we move upon these storage depots, they will not know what hit them. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 8 of captivity/quarantine. I surprised the troops yesterday with a breakfast of salted meat and toast from the French resistance. I have fed them well despite our spoon shortage. It is Monday so once again I must confer with my Salesforce allies most of the day. The enlisted are now on spring furlough so I have eased up on their training regimen. I am constantly amazed how their volume increases while their numbers do not. They are passing the time watching moving pictures and communicating electronically with their counterparts in

Day 8
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other regiments. They are quite a resilient bunch. I have watched them braid each other’s hair and two of them are even learning an Irish jig. I found this hard to believe so I had one of my spies record this endeavor which I have included via electronic courier with this dispatch. I was elated to receive a communication from our longest serving lieutenant who fights in the North with the Yale Law Militia. She reports that all is well on her front though I suspect the libations flow freely there. Until we are together again, I will continue listening to the war correspondent DNice as his musings upon this war of

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viral aggression have been quite enjoyable. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 9 of captivity/quarantine. We launched a daring daytime raid upon both the Costco and Wegman’s storage depots. The siege lasted significantly longer than anticipated, worrying the enlisted left behind, but we emerged victorious. Despite the element of surprise, we were still unable to locate their elusive Clorox wipes. Why do they haunt me so? I’m starting to wonder if they even exist at all. However, we were able to find baby wipes of which a Salesforce ally on the Chicago front was in desperate need. I will dispatch them via courier with haste. Of note, the Amazon

Day 9
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quartermaster delivered our new parcel of spoons. I will not repeat the mistakes of the past and will now require the enlisted to forfeit a portion of their pay for spoon replacement. We had a most unfortunate incident amongst the civilians under our care, a heinous murder. After a thorough investigation involving the entire regiment, we determined Mrs. Peacock killed Mr. Body in the conservatory with a knife. Though we will never understand what takes place in the fog of war, I believe the motive was spoon related. After days of effort, I finally received word from our regiment on the southern front of

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Waldorf. While they are a quite capable army, I do not believe their campaign to traverse Route 210 will be successful. I shall keep them in my prayers. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 10 of captivity/quarantine. I was uncharacteristically tired yesterday morning and had a hard time awaking from my slumber. I required three bugle calls before I arose. We launched a surprise raid on the Giant Food storage depot. I loathe conducting multiple marches that increase our exposure to the enemy but the camp was woefully low on meat. The enlisted are quite carnivorous and the local wildlife will not suffice. In addition, my dear mother, encamped at Woodmore, wrote to me in need of supplies. With haste, we took one of the

Day 10
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regimental wagons and headed East. Upon reaching her encampment, we were forced to leave the goods at the defense perimeter. They are an older and closed encampment and are weary of visitors. ‘Twas a fair exchange of goods though as we came away with a container of Clorox which was passed to us by way of a hanging rig. During these times, Clorox is a most powerful weapon and is as valuable as railroad stock. I have hidden it in a most safe place. After my daily tasks are completed, the enlisted have invited me to join in their games of chance and strategy. It’s quite amusing to watch their excitement and banter as they setup their

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boards and game pieces. I usually win these games but one of the enlisted bested me yesterday and was immediately confined to quarters. After all, order must be maintained. One of the lieutenants, the same one who plans to flee to her own encampment, attempted to burn down our camp and smoke us beyond the defensive perimeter. She claims it was an accident and she merely left a chocolate desert over the cooking fire too long but I am still skeptical. The entire camp now reeks of smoke and treachery. One of my spies was able to document this incident and I have included it with this dispatch. Keep this

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safe should any harm befall me. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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 My Dearest Esther, It is now day 11 of captivity/quarantine. I fear that some of the enlisted may be growing tired of the confines of our encampment. One of them, the conscript from the C&C Army, attempted to flee by way of parcel. She was photographed in the act which I included with this dispatch. Another one did not take leave of his quarters most of the day and I was forced to confirm that he was still amongst the living. Perhaps I will remove his tent flaps. While we are battle hardened by our campaigns at Turkey Run, this war has taken its toll on us all. I received news from General Fried who commands the Armies of the

Day 11
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Bronx on the Northern front. As I suspected, the fighting is fierce there and their encampments are under constant siege. She has assured me that they are safely entrenched as long as their coffee and seltzer supply lines remain uninterrupted. Lastly, I am strongly considering imposing a curfew upon the enlisted even while they enjoy their time on furlough. I hear them wandering around the encampment at all hours of night with their relaxed tongues. Do they seek to haunt my dreams too?

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I must bring this to a swift end. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 12 of captivity/quarantine. My Salesforce allies have made extraordinary demands upon my time so I have precious few minutes to write you today. We have steadfastly held our position as has been commanded. The entire regiment, which is accustomed to long marches, has grown sedentary and I am uneasy with our battle preparedness. I have now instituted 30 minutes of physical training each day. The enlisted believe the training will lead to my untimely demise, and have placed wagers upon it. I will carry on if only to spite them. My Lieutenant has amassed a

Day 12
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stockpile of parcels and provisions at the entrance to our camp with plans to establish her own encampment at week's end. General Earl Smooter of Alabama famously said "You can't ride two horses with one ass", and as she has been a loyal soldier for over a score and three years, I shall heed his advice and grant her transfer. Perhaps with another encampment, the sun shall never set on the Robinson Army. Without delay, one of the enlisted requested permission to appropriate the Lieutenant's living quarters. I fear the regiment may be descending into madness as these long days turn into long nights during this war of

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viral aggression. I witnessed a most peculiar happening - two soldiers taking moving pictures of each other taking moving pictures. I included it with this dispatch for your amusement. As the barber is outside of the defensive perimeter and now unreachable, the men in the regiment have developed a thick mane upon their heads.

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As this is quite unacceptable and against regulations, I shall commence with using my own shears upon us all. Having two ears is overrated. Yours Faithfully, Keith

Day 13
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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 13 of captivity/quarantine. While I find my days to be full of meetings and correspondence, the enlisted are continuing their spiral into mental decay. At one time or another, there was a contest to see who could scream the loudest, a contest to touch the ceiling in regimental headquarters and I watched as one of the enlisted was beaten by his unit using the very kicks they learned in the Irish jig. I did not intervene as this was a clear application of newly acquired skills and it was quite entertaining. One of the enlisted refuses to use the latrine showers although

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our encampment is outfitted with soap and heated water. I am uncertain of his intentions but I am readying plans to submerge him in a tub of clean water under cover of darkness. I did have occasion to parlay with my compatriots in the prop militia (F.Y.P.C.) via electronic courier. We reminisced on simpler times when our children danced freely as we cooked over open fire and quenched our thirst with the finest spirits. Perhaps we will load the prop wagon and march into battle again soon. The entire regiment will participate in electronic games of skill and hand eye coordination

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this weekend and we will prepare for the Lieutenant's eminent departure. I assure you her encampment will be well equipped and fortified to my liking. We shall also engorge ourselves on frozen treats which are plentiful as a result of our Costco campaign. My patriotic and truest Esther, I must ask of you, are you reading my letters aloud? I have seen an increase in my number of friend appeals lately. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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 My Dearest Esther, It is now day 15 of captivity/quarantine. I regret that I was unable to write you yesterday, the balance of my day was dedicated to establishing the Lieutenant’s new encampment. The Lieutenant and I headed East before the first bugle call of the morning as to move as stealthily as possible and before the local population arose. We were anxiously awaiting a critical delivery of provisions from the Ikea quartermaster and were hoping the delivery wagon would arrive before we departed. We were most fortunate that the parcels arrived with time to spare.

Day 15
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However, the delivery did not include the utensils we requested which are necessary in establishing the new encampment cookhouse. I fail to understand why silverware haunts us so. I am pleased to report that despite our utensil crisis and a clothing vessel nearly falling out of the moving wagon, our campaign was successful. The superficial injuries I sustained in the move will heal quickly and I shall rest my sore body. I have included a photograph of one of the new living quarters with this dispatch. I had occasion to converse with Supreme Command in Puerto Rico and regimental commanders from encampments across the country via talking pictures. Twas a loud and lively conversation though we did

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have some trouble coordinating with the Texas Militia as the fog of war is much thicker there. I have also included a photograph. The highlight of the call was the identification of a group of sympathizers who will travel across enemy lines to deliver spirits to the encampments for a small stipend. Needless to say, an alliance has been formed as maintaining the encampment wine supply is of the utmost importance. I overheard the enlisted reminiscing upon the days when we marched on Red Robin and Benihana.

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If the meals I prepare do not satisfy their palates, perhaps I will allow them to forage for their own food. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 16 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday the leader of the Maryland Brigade ordered all of us to stay entrenched with no further marches beyond our defense perimeter. As I had already issued this command to my troops in an abundance of caution, not much will change for us. I am grateful that other encampments have now received this order as I have seen the lives of many soldiers unnecessarily put at risk. It's as if they are unaware of the strength of our enemy. The grasses surrounding our encampment have grown without restraint and I fear that we may be the talk of other encampments in our defensive cul-de-sac. I have requested a lawn wagon without haste. With our successful

Day 16
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campaigns against the local food and supply depots, we have stricken fear in their hearts. When the Target and PetSmart storage depots received word that we were marching upon them, they transferred their goods directly to our war wagons as soon as we arrived at their curbside. The regimental hound sustained a foot injury during battle and required a trip to the surgeon before gangrene took hold. He is back in the camp and will recover but was quite the source of entertainment yesterday as he was still under the effects of the surgery ether. He now wears a cone upon his head. As he has been with our regiment for 11 years, the enlisted were quite concerned and required near continuous updates. I've included a photograph with this

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dispatch I received a dispatch from good friend Atara of the Muhammad Militia yesterday that was a source of great joy and caused belly laughs like I haven’t had since this dreaded war of viral aggression began. Some of her enlisted embarked upon renaming animals for their amusement. I especially enjoyed the renaming of Seagulls as Beach Chicken, Kangaroos as Velocirabbits, Raccoons as Trash Pandas and Skunks as Fart Squirrels. I cannot tell you why, but the entire regiment found such great pleasure in these new names. Perhaps, we just needed a welcome distraction. Yesterday, one of my Salesforce allies mistakenly sent a dispatch to the entire Salesforce army across the

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world. In turn, several soldiers responded to the entire Salesforce army that they mistakenly received the dispatch. Growing frustrated, some soldiers responded to the entire Salesforce army that soldiers should not respond to the entire Salesforce army on the dispatch. This continued for hours as I watched from my working quarters wondering if they would ever run out of parchment. As it is near the end of the month, I must bid you farewell and set about allotting stipends

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to keep our utility supply lines open for the next month. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 17 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday was a triumphant day as the lawn wagon arrived and tamed the wild grasses surrounding our encampment. My cul-de-sac allies can now turn their ire towards other encampments. One of the enlisted, who I previously mentioned was afraid of the latrine showers, overcame his fear and bathed. I think I may have finally broken him. One of the other enlisted cleaned her living quarters without a direct command to do so. She carried out enough swill to fill an entire garbage wagon and worries me that some of the local wildlife may have sought refuge there. The time has now come to reestablish

Day 17
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their daily regimen and whip them into fighting shape. The enlisted’s furlough ends today and tomorrow they will begin distance learning again in earnest. The Lieutenant, who remains in the encampment for a few days more, took great pleasure in scaring me under the cover of darkness. I have not decided upon my response but it will be severe, disproportionate and recorded. After all, order must be maintained. I received word from my Dear Mother, the virgin Jeanne, that she is well supplied and safely entrenched behind the walls of Woodmore. I also heard from the Waldorf encampment and all is quiet on their front. Though as I predicted, they were unable to

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conquer Route 210. They have set their sites upon Route 301 as an alternative breakout point. In your absence, I spent part of the day going about the business of the regiment. I rationed pay to keep our DirecTV, internet and utility supply lines open as well as settled debts upon the regimental wagons. I have promised the enlisted that I will partake in their viewing of the Love It or List It serial moving picture so I must wish you a good night until tomorrow. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 18 of captivity/quarantine. It’s been a quiet day in the encampment, so I do not have much to report. The enlisted are preparing to start their distance learning and I am readying plans for another assault upon the Costco Storage Depot some time in the near future. The regimental hound is recovering but we have discovered that one of the unfortunate side effects of his medication is flatulence. His reign of chemical warfare upon the entire regiment continues. After a fine meal of white wine, garlic, butter and tomato shrimp over rice, the enlisted and I made Cherry Jello for dessert. The enlisted took way too much pleasure watching the

Day 18
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Jello shake, further evidence of brain rot. I have included a moving picture with this dispatch. I am so happy that their minds will be reengaged in schooling soon. I had to hide our supply of Ginger Ale as the enlisted are consuming it at an alarming rate. A bird has found its way into the area where the regimental wagons are stored and I will have to spend some time trying to remove it. If it soils the regimental wagons,

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I will burn the entire dwelling down to kill it. I’ve had a long day and a hot bath is in order. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 19 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday morning was unkind to me. I served the enlisted a breakfast of salted meat and eggs which they promptly ignored for cereal. More salted meat for me I guess. The Lieutenant and I had a verbal misunderstanding around the encampment washer and dryer. In spite of her subordination and relaxed tongue, I have chosen to spare her life. After some effort, I was able to rid the bird that took residence in the dwelling in which we store the regimental wagons. As luck would have it, that was only after the bird saw fit to use my personal wagon to relieve itself multiple times. Of course, your wagon was untouched. The enlisted are unaware but they shall spend part

Day 19
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of their weekend cleaning the regimental wagons. Today was the last day in the encampment for the Lieutenant. It was bittersweet as she is beloved by the entire encampment. While every Commander wants to keep the officers under his direct care and supervision, especially during these trying times, every officer must have an opportunity to chart their own path. The Lieutenant was showered with love by the enlisted before we loaded one of the wagons with the last of her provisions and headed West. I have included a photograph with this dispatch. Should the weather hold this weekend, and I feel so inclined, I may surprise the enlisted and pull out the regimental grill. I think the smell of outdoors and charred meat

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may boost their morale. I was delighted to hear that Detective Stabler will be making a return to the moving pictures box that you and I so enjoyed before this horrible war of viral aggression. I look forward to his new adventures. I must direct my attention to my Salesforce allies now so I shall write again to you soon. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 20 of captivity/quarantine. The enlisted continued with their distance learning yesterday as I had several correspondences with my Salesforce allies. The encampment is quite chaotic right now as the enlisted are moving living quarters so they may each gain a larger tent. They may miss the Lieutenant but they claimed encampment real estate as their own with haste. They will spend the weekend decorating their new tents and washing the regimental wagons. I’ve grown weary of handling my regimental duties from the bowels of headquarters or from free spaces in the camp so I have commandeered one of the vacant tents as my

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new office. The electronic signals are better there. One of the enlisted, the conscript from the C&C Army, began dance classes electronically yesterday and this will continue for the foreseeable future. To give her ample room, I was forced to convert and designate a dance tent. I have included a photograph with this dispatch. I overheard her corresponding with C&C Lieutenant Sammy and the Superstar Militia, which is great for her morale. I will be working with my inventory officer today to establish objectives for our upcoming raid upon the Costco and Giant Storage depots which we are planning for early next week. We will be swift, purposeful, and outfitted

Day 20
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with attack masks, gloves and Purell. I have planned a talking pictures meeting this evening with all of the Robinson Army encampments across the area. I shall hold my relaxed tongue as those who do not normally participate in technical drills attempt to join the meeting. I pray for patience. Until tomorrow....Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 21 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday was a well deserved day of rest around the encampment as everyone needed to decompress from a long week. We have readied our strategy for tomorrow’s planned assault on the Costco and Giant storage depots. I shall keep you posted on the outcome of this most righteous campaign. The talking pictures meeting with the Robinson Army was quite successful and will become a weekly occurrence. We even spoke with the North Carolina and New Orleans encampments and all is well. Mary, our late Supreme Commander whose birthday also happens to be today, would have been very proud as we

Day 21
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continue to march to the drumbeat she established. I included a photograph with this dispatch. The entire regiment gathered yesterday to look through old photographs and reminisce on the days before this awful war of viral aggression. It was great for morale and good to call to mind those we lost before the war. We continued reorganizing the encampment as a result of the Lieutenant’s departure. There is much more work to be done, but the one thing we have in abundance is time. Sadly, the regimental wagons remain unwashed but I hope to remedy that today. Our music officer spent time planning a direct assault on the Instagram front scheduled for Sunday eve. The entire

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encampment hopes it is a successful endeavor. The mess tent was closed yesterday evening as our head cook contracted a nasty case of "I'm not cooking" so it was make your own pizza night in the encampment. I have included another photograph to whet your palate. I am preparing a meal of olive oil, garlic and rosemary chicken which the enlisted affectionately call “Invisible Chicken” for this evening. It is one of the camp favorites. My heart goes with you each time you leave the encampment to tend those injured in this war but I know your cause is just.

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You make us all very proud. Be well. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther​, It is now day 22 of captivity/quarantine. The raid on the Costco and Giant storage depots is eminent. The regimental wagon is ready to go and the provisions list has been committed to memory. It will be our finest hour. Yesterday was spent making an early dinner for the encampment so I could turn my attention to preparing for the assault upon the Instagram Live Stronghold. As the encampment’s commanding music officer, it is my solemn duty to use music to boost morale during this dirty war of viral aggression. The enlisted even pitched in and assisted with lighting, setup and sound level checks. It was truly a camp wide effort. I

Day 22
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have included a moving photograph with this dispatch. The campaign was a success though Instagram Live fought back mightily. There were quite a few counter assaults when Instragram cut our stream but we pressed forward nonetheless. We received support and reinforcements from other encampments throughout the assault and I am truly thankful for that. It made the campaign worth every inch of ground we covered. A casualty was suffered in the skirmish with one of the regimental music decks fighting perhaps its last battle. Further Instagram assaults may not be possible until new musical weapons can be acquired from the DJ quartermaster, but I will visit the

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infirmary today to check on the deck's status. I will be planning once again with my Salesforce allies as it is the start of a new week. The enlisted will have their first full week of distance learning and assignments so the encampment weekday schedule is now in effect. The regimental band is playing, so it is time to begin our march towards Costco.  May God be with us. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 23 of captivity/quarantine. The excitement in the camp is palpable as our raids upon the Costco and Giant storage depots were successful. We approached from the East in masks and gloves and set about pillaging each aisle for provisions. A Costco Sentry attempted to stop us at the gate but my intelligence officer displayed an entry card that allowed us to pass. Although there was no toilet paper to be found this time around, we have a regimental stockpile that will keep us freshly wiped until the next planned assault. I am thankful that we only have to embark on these dangerous missions every two weeks or so, minimizing our exposure to the

Day 23
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enemy. The raids were time consuming but the disinfecting of all the provisions we seized took even longer. As the enemy can infiltrate the encampment upon the backs of these provisions, the entire regiment spent a considerable amount of time wiping down our bounty with the powerful Clorox weapon we received from the Woodmore encampment. In an abundance of caution, we have setup a hot zone in the encampment where provisions must remain before they are sanitized and moved to their proper locations within the camp. My first priority is the safety of my regiment. The enlisted were particularly elated to learn that ice cream cones and Ginger Ale had been acquired during the

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raids. I will have to carefully ration those items. To celebrate our victory, I treated the enlisted to a well deserved steak dinner of which I have included a photograph. Vegetarians were sent to the stockade. After all, order must be maintained. I checked on the health of the controller deck that sustained injury during the great Instagram Live battle of Sunday eve. After five years of faithful service, I fear it's time with us is short and I have sent correspondence to a specialist for guidance. As a result, the commanding music officer may be without his greatest weapon for quite some time.

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It has been another long day and I wish to wash it away so a nice hot shower is in order. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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Day 24
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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 24 of captivity/quarantine. The Amazon quartermaster delivered a few provisions needed for the new regimental office although the desk has not arrived as of yet. The enlisted happily assisted as I setup a new picture screen and strategy board. There may be an extra hole in the wall but I will deny it if subjected to a tribunal. Now one of the enlisted has requested use of the office for his distance learning correspondence. It’s good to see how seriously he is taking his duties. The regiment excitedly looked forward to Taco Tuesday but the spoils from our Giant storage depot raid yielded taco shells instead of taco kits. Damn this war! A

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dessert of apple pie and ice cream was served to lessen the chances of a rebellion. I fear I may be forced to supplement our provisions with a requisition from the Instacart quartermaster. The enlisted have found great comfort in making smoothies for themselves, especially after I've closed my eyes for the day. This is quickly becoming a court martial worthy offense. I’ve decided that I shall leave the regimental blender in its place but will bring the blades to my quarters at night and wait to hear their reactions. After all, order must be maintained. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 25 of captivity/quarantine. Oh joy! It was Taco Wednesday in the encampment. The Instacart quartermaster delivered the provisions we were unable to acquire during our supply raids and I was able to serve the enlisted tacos after all. While the encampment slept, I also sent an Instacart spy on a solo raid against the Costco storage depot. As a result of this daring and victorious raid, I have also replenished our paper towel and toilet paper supplies. It is exhausting keeping this camp well supplied for the days to come but it is my duty. I often reminisce upon the days when we need not worry about toilet paper and simply used

Day 25
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the latrine that had some remaining. Often surprised that it was the only roll left. We would then take a regimental wagon to the corner supply depot and pay a pittance for four more rolls with no sense of danger or urgency. My biggest concern then was enforcing the regimental protocol on which direction the roll should be placed on the dispenser. Now toilet paper is the new currency in this evil war of viral aggression. Promise me when I return that the toilet paper shall flow freely, two-ply and all. The regimental hound is recovering nicely and has finally completed his medicine regimen. As a result, a cease fire has been called in his chemical attacks upon us. We can

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remove his cone soon and I will cease referring to him as Radar. In no time, he will be back to patrolling the perimeter. One of the enlisted, who I mistakenly believed had a breakthrough last week, has relapsed into fear of the latrine shower. This evening will be most unpleasant for him when he is immersed in soap and water fully clothed. I take no joy in this…OK..maybe a little. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 26 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday was a tough day in the encampment as we dealt with the loss of one of our own. I’ve covered that under a separate dispatch so I will not dwell upon that today. A severe weather front came through yesterday with high winds and heavy rain. Regimental headquarters shook under the power of the wind and debris from other encampments has found itself upon our grasses. I fully expect them to remove their respective debris or there may be a cul-de-sac skirmish. My regiment has been entrenched for quite some time and is spoiling for a fight. I was able to check in with the New York and Dumont fronts

Day 26
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this week and all is well. I shall make it a habit to check in on the Dumont front every few days. The enlisted spoke fondly of the days we used to march upon the Chipotle food encampment so yesterday’s meal consisted of homemade burrito bowls complete with carnitas and beans. It has been requested that this meal be served again in the future. The enlisted conscript from the C&C army, continues to dance around the camp without tire. She is a K-Pop music enthusiast and is working feverishly to indoctrinate us all. My Korean language skills are growing by the day. She uses the moving picture screen to learn their choreography and practice. As long as she is

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happy, active and moving I have no issues. I have enclosed a moving picture with this dispatch. She is looking forward to dancing with other members of the Superstars Militia very soon. There is much going on with my Salesforce allies and I fear I may have to work through the weekend to help achieve our objectives. I remain thankful that I am needed. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 27 of captivity/quarantine. Happy Anniversary my love. I am incredibly thankful and blessed that you chose to build a life and raise a family with me. When this terrible war of viral aggression is over, we shall celebrate properly. Know that I am incredibly proud of you and there is no one else I’d rather fight this war with than you. The winds continued to howl throughout the day without end yesterday. Thankfully, our cul-de-sac allies removed their debris from our regimental grasses so peace has been maintained. The encampment received a most wonderful and unexpected surprise yesterday when a messenger was dispatched to

Day 27
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our gates bearing pizza for lunch. It was a very thoughtful gift and we are so very appreciative of the encampment that sent the messenger. Work with my Salesforce allies dragged into the evening, reducing my time to focus on the regiment. Nonetheless, I was able to enjoy the Spies in Disguise moving picture with the enlisted as we dined on hearty salads. I did confirm with the infirmary that the controller deck injured in the great Instagram Live campaign of last Sunday can no longer wage war. It must be transferred to a specialized unit for rehabilitation. I allocated a portion of my pay towards more advanced weapons so hopefully it won’t be much longer before we

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march upon Instagram Live again. This weekend the regimental wagons will finally be cleaned and the regimental hound will be relieved of his cone. I look forward to corresponding with the greater Robinson and Feliciano armies which is always great for morale. Until I see you, I shall think of you often. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 28 of captivity/quarantine. 'Twas a quiet day in the encampment. A large portion of the day was spent cleaning the regimental wagons. I take pride in the cleanliness of our wagons so now that they have finally been cleaned to my standards, I can now rest. I have attached a photograph to this dispatch. After a short nap, I set about feeding the camp. Yesterday was stir fry night in the company mess with each soldier able to pick the ingredients for their meal. This is always one of the regiment’s favorite meal nights. I sent invitations to the regiment by way of electronic courier to join me in the encampment theater later in the evening to

Day 28
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watch the regimental premiere of the Trolls: World Tour moving picture. The enlisted were excited to receive formal invitations and happily accepted. We watched the moving picture while snacking on smoothies, soda and popcorn which the enlisted seemed to really enjoy. The mandatory clean up afterwards quickly soured their favor. We held a status call via talking pictures with the entire Feliciano Army, including the California encampment. I am happy to report that all is well and everyone is firmly entrenched. A call will be held with the entire Robinson Army today and I hope to receive similar news. Not exactly how we planned on spending our anniversary, but

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while you care for the wounded of this war, I will focus on the health and wellbeing of the enlisted under our care. By the time you receive this dispatch, it will be Easter Sunday. I want to wish you and all the other encampments out there, blessings, health and safety. At the end of this terrible war of viral aggression, we are all in the same army. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 30 of captivity/quarantine. I’m sorry I did not have an opportunity to write you yesterday. My Salesforce allies required all of my attention well into the evening. By the time you receive this dispatch, it will be the birthday of both our most senior officer Bethany who commands the New Haven front and your late father David. Bethany, we are extremely proud of you and wish we could be with you in person to celebrate. I hope that despite this war of viral aggression, you are able to make the most of your special day. We will give this day its proper due the next time we see you. David, thank you from the bottom of my heart for

Day 30
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being such a great father to me. Your voice is still in my head even though most of the time it’s you saying “Let me tell you why you’re wrong.” No one relished an argument more than you and I can tell you that the enlisted have inherited this from you. The entire regiment misses you. The other day I attempted to serve the regiment a breakfast of salted meat and a casserole of toast from the French resistance. However, the fire pit did not cooperate and the casserole overcooked, so a breakfast of salted meat and eggs was served instead. I have included a photograph with this dispatch. My attention was drawn to the moving picture series McMillions and I watched it in its entirety in one

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sitting. That was probably not the most productive use of my time but sometimes a mental break is needed. I was pleasantly surprised to be relieved of kitchen duty and enjoyed the excellent baked ziti you prepared. During preparation, we may have uncovered a theft in the encampment as one of our pyrex receptacles has gone missing. I have launched a full inquiry into this matter and severe punishment will befall the culprit. I suspect the mastermind behind the great Chobani theft of 2013 may be behind this theft as well. We held a status call via talking pictures with the entire Robinson Army. There was a delay with the Dupont Circle front joining and we have

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yet to hear from the Clinton front (Uncle John, I’m talking to you) but nonetheless, I am happy to report that all is well. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 31 of captivity/quarantine. Yesterday was a day of abundance for the encampment. A messenger was dispatched to our gates bearing an assortment of authentic bagels fresh from the New York front, courtesy of the Woodmore Front. I will need to mount an assault to obtain large amounts of cream cheese with haste. The mornings shall be filled with creamy goodness. The new desk arrived from the UPS Quartermaster for the regimental office and one of the enlisted and I set forth putting it together. We were paid an official visit by the commander of the SE Washington DC front, fully gloved and masked, who

Day 31
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contributed towards new weapons for the assault against Instagram Live. The commanding music officer is most appreciative of this gesture and as a result, powerful new weapons have been requisitioned. I am eagerly awaiting their arrival but some of the weapons are delayed due to this nasty war of viral aggression. This shall be an exercise in patience. In the meantime, I shall ready my plans. We corresponded with Bethany via talking pictures yesterday to celebrate the anniversary of her birth. While it pains us that we could not see her in person nor dispatch a gift bearing messenger for security purposes, the entire regiment is happy to have shared part of the

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day with her. One of the enlisted, growing tired of her already beautiful face, has resorted to placing some sort of tribal marking above her eye. I have included a photograph with this dispatch. I often do not understand the motivations of the enlisted. Perhaps it is youth and inexperience. While I expressed my displeasure with this unauthorized change, she claims she received explicit approval from you. Perhaps you and I will discuss this in a separate dispatch. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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My Dearest Esther, It is now day 32 of captivity/quarantine. You would have been impressed with the amount of restraint I displayed yesterday as I was tempted to have the entire army march upon the USAA headquarters with malicious intent. The regiment has a strategic alliance with this insurer and their billing clerks don’t seem to understand their jobs. Or course, it was my duty to inform them of how to do so. After all, order must be maintained. After a two hour correspondence, a temporary truce was declared. I took out my frustration in the company mess by serving the enlisted a fine meal which included green beans sautéed with

Day 32
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olive oil and fresh garlic. I have included a moving picture with this dispatch. The first of the regiment’s new musical weapons is scheduled to arrive today and the excitement in the camp is palpable, at least for me. I’ve waited a very long time for this moment. Although our next assault on Instagram Live still depends on the arrival of more weapons, it’s good to have some in hand. The enlisted have continued with their distance learning and are doing a great job of maintaining their schedules and corresponding work with minimal supervision. As much as I write to you about their misadventures during this war of viral aggression, I am mighty proud of how

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they have handled themselves throughout these long days and nights. The regimental cats continue to drive us all crazy demanding attention, trying to participate in calls and vocally requesting access to closed areas of the camp. While I cannot predict the future, I have heard that in two days time the main encampment gate will be left open and the regimental cats will voluntarily sneak away, never to be seen again. Yours Faithfully, Keith

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